5 Social Media Lessons Learned/ing

We have been diligent in setting up safe guards and delaying digital devices and social media for our kids but it is still such a beast to deal with. In this post I want to share a few things that we are learning and struggling through in hopes that it might help someone else. Thank you to those who recently added your input on a facebook post abut your household phone strategy. No doubt it’s helpful to hear from others but at the end of the day we are the ones responsible for how we steward our personal digital responsibilities and the training of our children.

1. Introduce a digital device in small increments giving more and more freedoms over time. Our kids don’t get phones until we think they need them. Everyone’s need is different. Our son got his phone when he turned 17. Our daughter, who is 12, has my husband’s old phone but we have taken off youtube and safari. She has no data and no social media. Both started with a stripped down iPod and moved up to a stripped down iPhone and with age comes more freedom, exposure and data plans.
2. Be prepared for drama to increase when devices are entered into the equation. This is true mostly with girls and even if your girl isn’t typically a drama-prone girl trust me on this one…..texting and social media brings out the drama. So there’s plenty of opportunity for conversations about how easy it is to say things behind a screen that you’d never say face to face. If the drama gets too intense then block and have a face to face conversation about why you blocked them. When the dust settles add them back in. This really works when handled gracefully. Our daughter started with only texting family members and then we let her add one friend. Then a few more friends from different social contexts – church, school, one from class, etc. She’s had the opportunity to practice the art of kindly blocking but has also been able to practice adding back over time.
3. Phone checks are crucial. Your kid will make you feel like you are invading their personal space by checking their phone/ipod but this is critical. They’re kids. When stuff enters  their digital world that is sketchy they don’t always see it for what it is. Their discernment is still maturing and they need parental guidance. Don’t be afraid of your kids when it comes to phone restriction or phone checks. We have passwords to all their devices and have the right to check at any given time. Our daughter who is still a tween is under my husband’s apple ID so he receives all her text messages right now. It’s a pain in the butt but it’s what it takes right now as we navigate these new waters with her. Here’s our philosophy: We pay the bill. It’s our phone but they may call it their phone. Until they pay the bill it will remain our phone. So “phone rights” as some kids might tell you, as if it’s part of their declaration of independence, doesn’t exist. It’s a privilege and you lose that privilege if you make unwise choices. Not if but when you find something that is not healthy on their phones then sit down and talk about it. I screen shotted images once of people our son was following on instagram to show him what kinds of things they were posting on their instagram that was completely inappropriate for a Christian to view. I also read some of their bio out loud. It was awkward and uncomfortable but it was necessary. We found pornographic pictures that were sent to our son through instagram DM on a phone check. I caught it an early morning phone check and he hadn’t even opened his messages but it looked suspicious to me so I opened it and found the two pictures from a new follower. I deleted and blocked and then told him about it. He’d only had the account for a few weeks.
4. Social Media Misconceptions. There is a misconception that if someone follows you on social media that it’s common courtesy to follow back. In one phone check we realized this was the practice of our son. Anyone who followed him he, without even looking, followed back. So the phone check provided a good conversation point about how to follow someone. We suggest looking at the person’s bio and top 12 pics of their grid just to get a quick thumbnail glimpse. When you decide to follow, like, or friend someone you are loosely putting your stamp of approval on that person’s account. And so who you follow is just as important as what you post on social media. We allowed our son to have a public account meaning anyone can follow him. Mistake. We are now making him switch to a private account where people have to request to follow him and he has to accept. But he’s 18! We know. But we pay for his phone. It’s our phone and our rules.
5. Don’t allow devices in your kids bedrooms.  So many kids are on their phones at like 2:00 and 3:00am posting tik-tok videos and scrolling through instagram when they need to be sleeping. Young kids are doing this and I don’t understand the thinking behind it. Parents, please stand up to your kids and don’t allow them to be on their devices late at night. If you think it’s harmless just start scrolling and looking at random people on instagram. This is what your kids are seeing as they search and scroll. They are being exposed to soft core pornography. Are you okay with this? Youtube is a household go-to with kids and you can find anything you want there. Kids are being exposed to things through their friends and their friend’s friends devices so we need to limit the exposure while they’re young but also talk about what to do when they are exposed to inappropriate material either on their own phones or someone else’s. We remind our kids of how Joseph responded when a woman tried to seduce him. He fled. As in ran right out of his tunic. Sounds a bit suspicious right? Like yeaaaahhhhh you were trying so hard to get out of the grasp of a beautiful young woman’s embrace that your robe fell off. Whatevs. But that is exactly what happened. He knew what his flesh was capable of and so he got out of there as fast as he could. Now when you’re riding a school bus back from a late night game and your friend pulls up inappropriate screen shots or is scrolling through inappropriate pictures you can’t exactly flee out of your basketball uniform in an attempt to get away. But you can guard your eyes by looking away immediately. Be brave enough to tell your friend you don’t want to look at that. 

As hard as we’ve tried we have still made a lot of mistakes in parenting through the digital world. It’s a vulnerable feeling to know that your kids know more about the social media world that most adults. In a phone check recently with my son sitting next to me, totally annoyed I was checking his phone, said, “You don’t know how to work that thing.” And he was right. I don’t understand so much and it’s tempting to just throw up my hands and say, “I can’t figure this out and besides I should be able to trust my kid at this point.” It’s not an issue of trust it’s an issue of recognizing that the world is aggressively seducing our kids through all kinds of inappropriate social media. That’s reality. And it will take actively following up, monitoring and lots of conversations to fight it.

Somebody sent this to me in response to a discussion on parenting kids through social media. Interesting.

May we not lose heart in discipling our kids through these important things.