We were headed to our son’s Awana Program where he would be singing on the front row along with about 30 other children. Because of his high propensity to move, talk out loud, touch the person next to him, etc. I gave him “the speech” all the way to the church. I thought I had included every “don’t” there could possibly be but apparently, I left one out. He was doing great to begin with. He sang loud and he didn’t touch the person next to him. He didn’t wave to his friends or turn around. But when the beat dropped, as much as the beat can drop in a children’s program, he started this Elvis Pelvis gyration dance move that we had never seen him do before. Both his hands on his blue & white seersucker sportin’ hips. Now add an entire auditorium of laughter. And he didn’t stop until the beat did which seemed like neverrrrrr.
I look back on it now. It was the most adorable thing ever. Everyone loved it. He was three! But as a Mom I was in my pew dying a hundred deaths over. We get in the car and I said, “Honey, what about all those things I told you not to do.” Real proud like he said, “And I didn’t do any of them.” And he was right. He didn’t touch anyone, talk out loud, wave or turn around. I never said don’t dance like Elvis so hard you might pop your hip sockets out. I sat in stunned silence the entire ride home. It was one of the welcomes to my crazy beautiful world of parenting a child with ADHD.
This post is designed to share our experience with ADHD and some things that helped us. Take what you want and throw out the rest. You can catch my son’s version of what helps him through ADHD in this post.
Medicine: Lots of differing opinions about this. We do medicine. It’s not for everyone. But, for us, after doing a lot of research and taking a 12-week CHADD class (highly recommend) we came out choosing the route of medicine. Every year we re-evaluate. The weeks and months we took our son off medicine were the weeks and months that he struggled severely at home and in the classroom and with peers. We felt it wasn’t fair to him so we put him back on. We are thankful for the medicines that are available to help him.
A huge battle is determining how to know if and when to use medicine. I say you’ve got to start with prayer. God is is the one who wired our kids and put them together. There’s no greater person to take our kids to than their very own Creator who is alive and personal.
I remember before we were willing to go the route of medicine – we fought it hard and long – I was in tears one night. Mitchell was constantly in trouble at school. Like every.single.day. He was frustrated and we were frustrated and his teacher was frustrated. She knew he had ADHD but we weren’t convinced yet. She advised talking to our Doctor and consider medicine. My response in my head was, “Yeah, that would make it a lot easier for you.” Later I realized it would make all the difference in the world for our son and would give him a relief he needed for a long time. I don’t regret how we did things in waiting as long as we did. We had to work through that process ourselves and be 100% sure medicine was the right thing for us. This is where prayer is critical especially if you and your spouse have differing opinions on whether to medicate or not. Pray, pray, pray and pray some more. And trust that God will reveal to your family what is best for your child. We can trust God in these things.
Medicine side effects: There are always side effects to medicine. It’s trial and error. For
School Resources: If your child with ADHD is in school you’ll want to talk to your school counselor and find out if he/she needs an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) or a 504. If your child’s ADHD is severe enough and impedes their learning then a 504 plan will help in tremendous ways. An IEP or 504 allows for modifications and special accommodations to be put in place for your child to help maximize their learning environment. It makes a huge difference. Chances are your teacher has already talked to you about your child’s ADHD. But if not get that ball rolling as soon as you suspect symptoms of ADHD. There’s a process of simple testing that will help identify ADHD as well as more in-depth testing through the school system should you need it. If you are a taxpayer you have rights to your public school testing services even if you home school or attend private school. Depending on your school system and how prepared they are for children with ADHD and other disabilities will determine how aggressive you’ll need to be with your child’s action plan.
*Interesting fact: many girls with ADHD are diagnosed 5-7 years later than boys and many go undiagnosed although they have it. We talk so much about girls being more mature than boys, and they generally are, but we sometimes don’t even think about girls having ADHD.
Another interesting fact is that 80% of students with ADHD have a secondary diagnosis most of which are related to a learning disability but not always. Sometimes it’s anxiety or depression but more often it shows up in the form of dyslexia or a type of learning difference. Our son has dysgraphia in addition to his ADHD which impacts writing and getting thoughts on paper.
Things that helped us in the early elementary days of ADHD:
- Being his scribe. He would tell me his answers and I would write
for him. - Helping him organize by labeling notecards and sticking them on his dresser (shirts, pants, socks)
- Checklist of the morning routine
- Come home from school and play hard for an hour then start homework in small chunks.
- Written assignments that stay in one place in a folder/binder.
Emotionally: One of the things you might have to deal with as a Mom of an ADHD’er is comments and misconceptions about ADHD. “
Things that are important in High School:
- Using a chrome book for notes (dysgraphia diagnosis makes it hard to get information from your head to your paper and writing makes it ten times longer)
- Study Guides & Notecards
- Keeping duplicate books at home
- A universal hub for teachers to post homework daily– Renweb
- Trying to teach him to be his own advocate – this is proving to be hard. He is passive.
Mom stuff: We work hard at balancing the fact that Mitchell has ADHD but the fact that he is still 100% responsible for his actions. ADHD is a real thing. It impacts decision making, concentration levels, and so many other things. But he is still responsible for his actions. ADHD is his “thorn in the flesh” and something he deals with every day but to own it and work through it is the best strategy. Our responsibility, as well as his, is to help him figure out what tools work for him in dealing with the very real disorder that he has.
Life Hacks: Kids with ADHD have a hard time with executive functioning and so a stack of papers or an assignment with multiple pieces and parts will instantly overwhelm and shut the ADHD student down. This is where breaking things down into bite-size pieces is helpful. Short term memory issues is also a huge piece of ADHD so to give a list of verbal instructions with 5 things: brush your teeth, take a shower, set your clothes out for tomorrow, take your vitamins and put in your retainers will NEVER happen in this household. So a post-it-note on the bathroom mirror helps or verbal reminders. Honestly, verbal reminders can turn into nagging and sheer frustration real quick. I struggle with this because I don’t always follow through with the checklists. Easier to yell upstairs, “Brush your teeth!” but then on the 404th time I really wish I had just rented a billboard to put in the bathroom that said it.
Having our son with ADHD has kept me on my knees in prayer more and it has had me laughing until my ribs hurt. He has pushed me to my limits and I’m sure he has pushed his teachers to theirs. Having a team of teachers all on the same page is super helpful and makes a big difference. I am thankful for our teachers and all they do to accommodate Mitchell’s educational needs.
If you are looking at an ADHD diagnosis with your child I want to say welcome to the crazy beautiful world of parenting an ADHD’er. You will have awesome stories to tell and your child is going to grow up and do amazing things with the help of his Creator and your
Some great resources to consider reading/looking into:
Great article with good resource. My eyes welled up with tears of pride to know the struggle is hard, but you all as a family have worked to do the best for your boy!
Thanks Michele.
This post is so valuable. I’m some years behind you parenting Mitchell, but I feel like you peeked into my head and addressed some exact things in my life with Ben. Thank you for doing that. 🙂 And thank you for sharing this.
Awww that’s encouraging to know because we need each other’s stories to help us along the way. One statistic that I’m sure you’re aware of that I didn’t put in the post is that there’s a higher rate of adopted children that have ADHD than children that are not.
Oh, Melody! So well written. We lived this same life with our ADHD son. No one totally understands unless they have traveled this path. Medicine gave him great success in his behavior but he still struggled in school. People’s comments did hurt me. I was not good letting them roll off my back. As you stated, life is more difficult raising an ADHD child and as a teacher this was true for my students as well. They are loving children that need love and understanding. It is a real condition and only medicine can correct it I have learned. Many have told me other things to try during the years. They mean well but those things will not change the problem that in in their brain. My son is grown as you know. He started medicine in first grade and I have no regrets now in giving him success through medication even though I did question the doctor in the early years.
Mary – that’s interesting to hear that much of the same was true for ya’ll as well in terms of medicine. One thing that I do wonder about is if Mitchell will continue to take his medicine after highschool or when he’s out on his own. Right now he has me to come behind him when he forgets to take it although he’s gotten so much better at doing it on his own. He sees how much of a difference it makes for him so he is motivated to take it. I try not to go too far down the “what if” road and trust it will all work out but I do tend to wander off in my thoughts at times.