I’m not a marriage expert or a counselor but after being in ministry for many years and walking people through the raging waters of affairs, separation and divorce I do have some thoughts. I’ve seen some unhealthy patterns and trends among couples during the early stages of a separation or divorce that are just unnecessary. Thought I’d share a few of them here.
4 Unhealthy first moves in a separation:
- Posting sultry pictures of yourself on social media as soon as you consider yourself “available”. You know….the bikini pictures, duck lips, bulging muscle pictures, etc. Trust me on this one – this is so immature and it just makes you look bad. Maybe you get some attention from the opposite sex but the rest of us are feeling oh so bad for you. Just keep being yourself – no need to get half dressed suddenly and start a photo gallery for the world to see.
- Working out excessively. Nothing wrong with getting fit. Exercise is a great stress reliever! But be careful how much time you spend at the gym and how obsessive you get with your body image. It can go south fast.
- Withdrawing from friends and church. Some people do this out of guilt. Some out of fear. Whatever your reason might be can I just say that a healthy Christ-centered church is one of the greatest places you can be during the stormy waters of divorce. Don’t be afraid of what people are going to think about you. Don’t let the fears of “where am I going to sit” prevent you from coming. Satan is the deceiver and he might have you convinced that every person is going to look down on you and the preacher is going to preach AT you and nobody will want you to sit with them. This is so far from the truth – of a healthy, Christ-centered church. You are welcomed at church. It’s a haven for the weary. A place to build up and be refreshed. Don’t stop worshipping your Creator God during this time of life. He will never leave you or abandon you. Ever. Being in the presence of the Body of Believers makes a big difference.
- Start dating right away. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Have some self control and just give it some time before you dive into the dating scene. Emotions are so high. Anger. Frustration. Loneliness. Some couples start competing with each other and want to make the other person jealous. Who will be the first to start dating, etc. Even if you don’t have kids this is unwise in the very beginning especially if your intention is to get back together after a time of separation.
Friends, I hope you’ve been encouraged in some small way through this series. Me personally? I have a new perspective on how men and women feel as they encounter divorce. My prayers will be more specific as a result of hearing your stories and my desire to write about healthy marriage has evolved because of this series. Thank you for taking part whether a reader or one of the story tellers.
Melody: Just a thought on reasons for avoiding church. There were times when I avoided church because I was afraid that my emotions would overwhelm me, especially during singing (and sometimes during preaching as well). Emotions were very raw, so it didn’t take much and it wasn’t always predictable. Later, there were times when I’d make it through the service but avoid taking communion (or even leave when the communion portion of the service started) for the same reason — there was just something about that contemplative time that was hard to make it through. Not saying this was the best choice — perhaps I should have attended faithfully regardless, and just let the emotions roll. But it seemed to hard to do at the time. Good series!
Thanks David for sharing this. I agree there is something very emotional about attending church during a crisis time of our lives. And just flat out hard to do. I’m watching a man do this right now. He’s pushing through probably the hardest time in his life. But he keeps showing up through the awkward and uncomfortable. I know he will be blessed for it. I struggled to make it through worship times without crying when going through infertility and then when my Dad died. But I’m learning that church can actually be a safe place for all of this when we have a body of believers surrounding us with love, prayers and encouragement….but even then it’s not easy to do.